We're less than two shows into "Big Brother 5," but in the opening moments of Thursday's (July 8) episode, Scott informs us that the game is all about him and Jase. Oh Sweet Merciful Julie Chen, think of all of the precious summer hours we could save if this were actually the case and we could just start skipping episodes.

Jase is already settled into the Head of Household bedroom, where he feigns nostalgia for the creature comforts of the outside world after only two days. Jase agrees with Scott's assessment of the power situation and even shows enough respect for his cabal comrade to perpetuate the "Scott's a pro athlete" rumor, even though Scott's bio claims no loftier profession than "sales representative."

Michael goes to Scott and Jase and reveals his role in the Project DNA twist, explaining that Jennifer (err... Nokomis) is his sister. Silly Michael. Doesn't he understand that he doesn't have the abs to run with the Alpha Beta boys for very long? Initially, Jase and Scott humor Michael, but in the diary room, Jase is already surmising that Michael is two clowns short of a rodeo and suggests to the camera that it's all a convoluted strategy. There's sufficient doubt that Marvin the Mortician is called in to mediate, using the acquired wisdom that can only come from years of parlaying with the dead.

The men agree that they can't imagine how Jennifer could be Michael's sister. Between all of them, they can think of no more sensitive a way to reveal the secret to poor Nokomis than by ganging up on her in a small room.

"We have the same father," Michael says bluntly. Jennifer is pensive. Suddenly Michael's hours of unprovoked and borderline inappropriate questions about her father make sense. Still, she doesn't believe. At a certain point, surely Jennifer has to realize that if she were to go out and get a goatee tattoo, she'd look exactly like him. Even after extensive Bible swearing, she can only describe it as a "trip."

The housemates call a powwow so that Michael can properly map his DNA for the group of strangers. Will describes the twist as "Jerry Springer-ish," as the presumptive siblings are called into the diary where they get letters explaining the situation.

The hugging and tears begin. Adria is particularly emotional. Holly, painting her toenails, can only stare blankly and giggle. Scott remains convinced that this is all just a horrible plot to keep people from discussing him. It turns out that Scott doesn't believe Michael because the cowboy is wearing an Oklahoma University shirt even though he never really played football, unlike The Soulpatch That Ate Pittsburgh. If there's anything Scott hates more than people who take away from his camera time, it's people who wear ill-gotten athletic department shirts. Then again, Scott Long posed for Playgirl in a desperate attempt to justify his own last name, so perhaps he's just got some insecurities.

Despite the epistolary evidence, only Jase seems to believe Michael.

It's time for the first Luxury Competition and Jase decides that the men should wear women's undergarments. Both Karen and Will are pleased with the image of Drew in a thong. Scott appears pleased with the image of Scott in lingerie. Mike refuses to get skimpy. Jase mocks him. Millions of viewers, though, celebrate his modesty.

The stakes are high. If the housemates don't successfully prepare a gigantic margarita, they'll never be allowed in the "Big Brother" hot tub. Perish the thought. As sad as the idea of a hot tub-free summer may make Michael, the producers would be even more disappointed if Holly doesn't have an excuse to prance around in a bikini and if Scott doesn't have an excuse for further butt clenching.

Everybody does a great job on the task, even if Scott says snidely that he'd have done Will's job better. Their prize is a margarita party with a lot of food, but apparently not enough. Everybody agrees that Marvin ate enough quesadillas to feed a small Mexican village. Marvin defends himself by noting that skinny, anorexic white women have the advantage in the game and he has to do what he can to keep up. Interestingly, while the house is full of skinny white women, none of them did anything worthy of camera-time during this episode.

In a new twist, Jase discovers that the Head of Household has a television monitor showing the activities in the rest of the house. He shares his secret with his Band of Manly Men. The dudes are so excited that they bump fists several times.

Jase is pragmatic enough to understand that his alliance with the Four Horsemen is nice, but he needs to branch out, coming down from his mountain to talk to the little people.

Die-hard President Bush supporter Mike is scrambling to form his own Coalition of the Willing with Diana.

Since her emotional morning, Jennifer/Nokomis has vanished from sight. To paraphrase Longfellow (not to be confused with Scott "Alleged Long-Fellow"):

"By the tar pits of La Brea
By the trickling L.A. River,
Hides the purple-haired Nokomis,
Daughter of Michael's Dad, Nokomis."

With time counting down, Jase pulls out the Eviction Nomination Box. Everybody is nervous except for the Frat Boys of the Apocalypse. They just bump fists. Within minutes, everybody has keys safely around their necks (including Will, whose key has to share space with a crucifix big enough to hold Jim Caviezel) except for Mike and Nokomis. Jase stokes Mike's ego by calling him The Godfather and saying that he was offended that the commercial painter tried to make alliances without asking permission first. In truth, this appears to be Mike's punishment for not baring his buns earlier.

Will the half-siblings be separated before they've had the chance to partake in their first brother-sister noogies? Will half of Project DNA be moot within a week? Will the show's producers use what's described as "a new spin on the veto" to help keep things relative? Unless you want to make Julie Chen very angry, do not assume anything.